Depression + Dissatisfaction

Well, throughout this year, i do faced a lot of troubles and obstacles. Through the problems and obstacles, I learn how to think and see things wisely better than previous time. But in the progress, they do really give me a lot of troubles which make me so depress and upset. I am trying to be good and be obedient at the same time, or it might because of my laziness, I found out that I'd been transformed into another person. I will get angry very easily and get very frustrated too. I will try to escape from any jobs that are going to let me to handle. I will give a lot of excuses to push the responsibility to others. Because of this, I even make one of my friend blew up and sounded me. I ask God to comfort me all the time when my emotion is not stable. Maybe this is what God want to test me. Anyway, I still have to face the problem and learn to overcome this problem. I am a person who want people to know that I am present. I am a person who proud with what I've done, I want people to know it is my work. So, when the time comes in this way, I do something behind everyone, but yet, nobody knows but those who show their face will get all the glories. Well, I know I have to be humble and I am trying to be humble all the time, but I couldn't change myself. I pray to God to help me, I hope what I do is not glorifying myself, but is to glorify the Lord. I really pray hard that God will really help me.


What is a church? A church is not a club. People said we can have peace in the church. Yes, I do feel when I am still a free man. But when i started to grow up, there are few tasks are given to me to handle. But all the informations I get is a very last minute notice and the person in charge is expecting me to have something great out. Frankly, I do not like people ordering me to do work. Sometimes yes, should order me, but not always. You pass down the work to me means the work is with me, and I will take care and make sure it is done, I do not need you to ordering me to do this and that. If i do sound harsh, very sorry. I am dissatisfied with the system of the church sometimes. It is just like a club, there is system to follow. I know it is good to have a system in a church, but I do not like the way. What I decide with the other committee, I have to consult the person above me to make a decision. So, what is the point of putting me in? Can you just do it yourself? Since I can't decide anything but just to inform the decision maker. I felt that is a waste of time to do that. Arghhh, sometimes i feel exhausted and tired for this kind of system. It really a great pressure to me. I may not understand but I just wish to express myself.

God, comfort and strengthen me as I'm growing up!